Just Your Average Midday Panic Attack
by SkyChasingDreamer
Summary: Gintoki knows some of his triggers, but when he isn't prepared for them, he can't protect himself against them and they get the better of him. GinHijiGin pre-relationship.


**Title**: Just Your Average Midday Panic Attack

**Pairing**: GinHijiGin pre-relationship

**Rating**: T

**Disclaimer**: No

**A/N**: Sid, I took your email as a request ((whoops?)) and boom! I deliver this to you!

**Just Your Average Midday Panic Attack**

Hijikata stepped out of his car and stretched, glad to finally be free of Sougo. They'd been together all night and all morning and Hijikata had been close to homicide by midnight. Getting rid of Sougo had been a load off his shoulders and already he felt like a new man! That had been the longest stakeout of his life and getting away to stretch his legs was exactly what he needed! They'd eaten breakfast, Hijikata had checked his food thoroughly before ingesting since he never knew what was actually _safe_ when Sougo was present.

Truth be told, he had a ton of paperwork to do, but he wanted some fresh air first. He lit up a cigarette and started walking, marveling how good nicotine tasted when he was well fed and Sougo free. He knew he was still pretty high strung, a night of doing his job while constantly watching his back could do that to him, to any man, really. In fact, a night staying up with Sougo could probably drive any normal man to insanity, too bad Hijikata was to a level where he could deal with it and retain some semblance of _okay_ – he wasn't exactly proud of that.

He walked around the corner and took his time making his way down the road. He was people watching and looking for trouble, which was working, but also one of the best ways for him to unwind. He'd totally let himself go later when he was doing his paperwork, but the familiar sounds of his jurisdiction put him at ease in the same way he imagined taking shoes off after a long day did for other people. By the time he finished his cigarette, he was at a street corner and felt like there was new energy flowing through him. He scanned the streets and his current mood couldn't even be dampened by a familiar shock of bright hair.

But then, Hijikata's mood was rarely dampened by the appearance of Gintoki anymore.

It was strange, but they'd sort of... started something. Hijikata didn't know exactly when it had begun, but some months ago he'd started just kind of started spending time with Gintoki. Af first, not often, then every few days, and now it was at least every other week if not every week. Wednesdays were their days and all they'd somehow ended up doing was they just happened to show up at the same tiny restaurant at the same time. They ate, they had drinks, they bickered, and it was nice.

So nice that one night when they were finished and were walking to the corner where they went their separate ways each night they met, Gintoki's eyes had for the first time looked to and lingered on Hijikata's lips and that hadn't actually freaked him out as much as it definitely should have. That had been maybe a month ago and things like that had been happening more and more often and it wasn't just Gintoki. Hijikata found himself watching Gintoki's mouth when he talked, his eyes flicked to Gintoki's fingers when they drummed against the table or at random times like when he was raising his chopsticks to his mouth.

There was a _thing_ between them.

Hijikata knew that they were both aware of it.

That _thing_ was going slow and neither of them were doing anything to slow its progress.

So, seeing Gintoki didn't piss him off quite as much as it used to those some odd months ago. He still thought Gintoki was a lazy piece of moronic natural perm fluff with one step in the diabetic grave, but the thoughts weren't _quite_ as severe as before. They still yelled at each other just as much as always, that much hadn't changed and never would and that was part of the appeal in its own way.

Gintoki was just walking along, not doing anything in particular, and he hadn't seen Hijikata yet. It was kind of good seeing Gintoki doing something so mundane and he walked with such a lazy stroll, Hijikata half-expected him to start picking his nose or ear at any moment. He moved easily in the small crowd of people, his long legs simply skirting around others with little lazy tilts of his hips. He moved unlike any man Hijikata had ever seen and he couldn't even explain what it was beyond a sense of power.

Not wanting to be caught staring, Hijikata was about to take a turn and continue on his way.

The only thing that held Hijikata up was when Gintoki's face did something really strange. He'd stopped walking and he was looking ahead at – Hijikata tried to follow his gaze, but saw nothing of note in that general direction – space, apparently. Suddenly, Gintoki twitched hard, taking a step back, and skimmed a person by the shoulder. He flinched so hard away from the man that he ran into someone else and his expression that of distress. His brows were down, his jaw mouth was slightly open, and his eyes were wide, it looked almost like he was about to be sick. Hijikata was moving toward him out of reflex and when he saw Gintoki jolt, seemingly tripping on nothing, and fall to a knee, he ran the rest of the way to him.

"Oi, natural perm!"

He touched Gintoki's shoulder, but immediately let go. Not because Gintoki moved away or made a noise, but because of his lack of response. He made no movement, he didn't look up, there was no indication that Gintoki had even heard him much less knew he was there. Now that Hijikata was closer, he could see things he hadn't seen from afar and he didn't know what to do. He'd never seen Gintoki tremble that way before, he'd never seen Gintoki so close to defenseless that he was almost vulnerable, and he never thought he'd see a look on Gintoki's face and ever know exactly what he was feeling.

The look on Gintoki's face was unmistakeable.

Hijikata was frozen for a few moments longer before his instincts took over and he was hauling Gintoki out of the street. He grabbed the back of Gintoki's shirt and heaved him up before pushing and pulling him off to the side, pausing only to grab the bokken that lay just a couple steps off. Some people were watching, Gintoki was moving like his legs were made of pudding, and Hijikata was supporting a majority of his weight. Hijikata got them as far into the alley as he could manage and pushed him up against the wall by the lapels of his shirt. His grip was hard and firm, his actions guided by the training he knew by muscle memory.

Gintoki was shaking so hard, Hijikata was starting to wonder if he was going to have some kind of seizure or something. That was until his head suddenly snapped back and slammed into the brick with a sickening sound. He went to do it a second time, but Hijikata's hand was already there to absorb the blow and he was cussing up a storm at Gintoki, not that he was even listening. Gintoki's breaths were coming in so fast and quick, Hijikata was worried he wasn't actually breathing at all. His eyes were open, but Gintoki wasn't present at all, his gaze was far off in some world Hijikata probably couldn't imagine if he tried.

Wherever he was, he was terrified.

And sad.

"Oi!" Hijikata yelled and twisted his grip on Gintoki's clothes tighter. "Snap outta it, asshole!"

Gintoki couldn't hear him, that much was certain, and he choked on absolutely nothing. His teeth were grit and he was looking passed Hijikata at something completely unseen. Gintoki's hands were palms flat on the brick and Hijikata could hear the disconcerting scrape of his nails digging into and tearing at the rough surface.

Hijikata wanted to _do_ something, like slam Gintoki against the wall – which he then did. He kept his hand on the back of Gintoki's head to make sure he didn't hit it again, but he thought a good hit might bring him back to the present, but Gintoki only grunted and took it. It hadn't even phased him, really, it was like he hadn't noticed at all.

"Look at me!" Hijikata demanded and then louder, "_Look_ at me!"

Gintoki was in another world, another life, and he wasn't coming back. He didn't look at Hijikata, he still hadn't heard, and his breaths were coming impossibly faster. A hand went up to his head and grabbed hold, his fingers bleeding, his pinky leaving a red stripe on his cheek. At first he was only shaking and held his head like he was about to break it open, but then he let out a choked sound. Hijikata's eyes widened and he was sure he'd misheard, but when the sound came again, louder, more desperate, it turned Hijikata's grip to slack. Someone like Gintoki making a sound like that?

There was no way.

Before he knew it, he'd tugged Gintoki's head forward until it was buried in his shoulder. He kept his hand on the back of Gintoki's head, but moved his other arm around his waist to keep him upright. It wasn't a moment to soon because Gintoki's breath hitched and that was the only warning Hijikata got before his shoulder was absorbing an otherworldly yell that ended in a mutilated sob. It was only the once, Gintoki was wheezing too hard afterward to do it again, and Hijikata was honestly so grateful he couldn't see the look on Gintoki's face. He was holding onto Gintoki so tightly, as tightly as he could, but the grip Gintoki had on him was even more desperate.

Hijikata's next course of action was once again a reflex, he needed to get them out of there. He had to get Gintoki away, somewhere safe, somewhere that he could be taken care of looked after. He actually didn't fully know what he was doing until words were falling from his lips and he was moving them farther down the alley in a jagged line.

"Keep walking, c'mon, don't you fuckin' stop, you big idiot." Mindless words, as much encouragement as he could offer – he refused to look at Gintoki the whole way. "N-not far now, just a little farther. Stay w-with me, don't slow down..."

He wasn't sure any of it was getting through, but it helped him to say it nonetheless. Getting back to where his car was parked gave him only minute relief and he was so glad that getting Gintoki into the backseat was easier than he thought it would be. All he had to do was open the door and guide Gintoki, a hand pushing on his head to make sure he didn't hit it. He'd parked in a pretty secluded spot so there was practically no one around and Hijikata was then quick to get into the driver's seat.

He got in and started the car right up, then checked Gintoki in the rearview mirror. He was leaned forward, his head being crushed between both hands, and his breathing hadn't slowed down even a little bit. He was shaking so hard that it could be easily seen and a few times when his breath caught Hijikata thought for sure he was going to puke all over the floor. Whipping out his cellphone, Hijikata started the car and began to drive.

"Zaki? Clear out the barracks, the back there from parking to my room. Make sure no one is around, if I see a single person it's seppuku for you!" He was about to snap the phone shut, but remembered last second to bark out, "And set up my futon!"

Shutting the phone, he sped off toward the barracks with palms that were so sweaty he couldn't keep a good grip on the steering wheel. He tried to be careful on his turns since they were pretty wild, but he only had one idea and that was to get Gintoki to the barracks as soon as possible. He'd thought about a hospital, but short of sedation, Hijikata didn't think there was anything a hospital could do for whatever this was. It wasn't natural, it wasn't some medical issue like a heart attack so far as he could tell, this was some monster only Gintoki could contend with. Which was why the barracks was the only place he could think of – it was quiet, it was safe, it was a place Gintoki could take his time getting his shit together.

Hijikata suddenly realized he couldn't hear anything from the back anymore. In the rearview mirror, Gintoki had fallen sideways and wasn't moving, Hijikata could only assume he'd finally passed out. Breathing in such quick successions, it wasn't getting him enough oxygen and his body's only defense was to blackout. He'd seen stuff like this before, but nothing of such pure severity.

Getting to the barracks, he parked and got out of the car so fast he hit his forehead on the door frame. He cussed and held it only for a second before continuing on, hoping Yamazaki had already done what he'd asked him to do.

"Okay," he said to himself, hyping himself up while his adrenaline absolutely roared, "okay, okay, okay."

It was a mantra he repeated over and over until he was reaching in to grab Gintoki, then he was dreadfully silent. He used both arms around Gintoki to haul him backward and he pulled until Gintoki's limp ass was out of the car, the heels of his boots making a heavy thud when they hit the ground. Maneuvering to the left, Hijikata stretched out a leg and kicked the car door shut with a _slam_. There was a sweat on his brow, but he was determined to do this on his own and he really didn't want anyone else to get involved in this.

Bending his legs, Hijikata put one arm around Gintoki and tried to get the other one under his knees. It wasn't an easy feat since Gintoki was completely dead weight and Hijikata ended up falling to a knee, dumping Gintoki's ass onto the ground. The only thing that resulted from that was Gintoki's head lolling to hit and rest on Hijikata's shoulder – fucking useless. Sighing, Hijikata shoved his arm under Gintoki's knees and he swore he felt his back breaking as he threw his weight up to stand. Their combined weight had him stumbling backward and he would have definitely fallen if the car hadn't given him something to lean against.

"You owe me so much for this you fuckin' asshole!" Hijikata seethed murderously, but it wasn't anger he was feeling at all.

Kicking off the car, he started walking to his room and he knew he was being ridiculous. He should be taking Gintoki to the hospital or to the old woman that owned the apartment Gintoki lived in. But... what if they weren't around? That was what he kept thinking, at least he knew he himself would be able to stay at the barracks and he'd be able to keep Gintoki hidden. He just hoped he'd made the right call.

He walked down to his room and didn't see a single soul, thankfully. Gintoki remained limp against him and his arm was draped down, swinging lifelessly with each step Hijikata took. His breathing was still quick, but more even, and while there was a sweat covering his brow, his expression was mostly at ease with the exception of the slight furrow in his brows. He wasn't easy to carry, that was for damn sure, but by god Hijikata made it to his room and expertly kicked his door to slide it open. His futon was out and waiting and he took Gintoki to it without a second thought.

Actually getting Gintoki onto the futon was a little tricky and Hijikata ended up falling heavily to a knee, but he managed. He moved slow and carefully put Gintoki down, cradling his head to place it gently. Hijikata was panting by then, like, seriously, Gintoki needed to lay off the sugar, but he knew he couldn't stop. He found a cloth and a water bottle and set to cleaning Gintoki up. He wiped his brow, washed the blood off his fingers, and even held his head up to see if he'd drink anything. He drank some of the water Hijikata gave him in tiny doses, but not much, and he certainly didn't wake up or make any noise during the whole thing.

Only when he was sure that he'd done everything he could for Gintoki, he texted Yamazaki and told him not to let anyone disturb him, and went to his desk to start paperwork before he had a freakout of his own.

-o-O-o-

Gintoki was out to get groceries, but he'd gotten distracted. He'd started off in the right direction, but then he'd been forced to lose focus by some good smelling things and while he was slowly getting himself back on track, he didn't think he'd actually make it back to the apartment for a couple more hours tops. It was a really nice day out, so nice that it had actually enticed Gintoki to go for a walk just to enjoy the weather some. Ketsuno Ana had predicted this and she'd told him to soak up some sun, so that was exactly what he was doing.

It was even such a nice day that Kagura could enjoy it without having to worry about keeping her umbrella up the whole time. She was supposed to be with him and she'd sort of started out that way, but then Sadaharu had taken off with her or perhaps it was the other way around. It was amazing to him that he even had money for groceries, but it was only because the old hag had given it to him to buy her a few things. That there was enough extra to buy some things for the apartment too she never made mention, but it was obvious. He had an arm over his stomach as he walked and when someone got in his way, he went around them without a fuss.

But then familiar sound stopped him in his tracks.

It happened so suddenly and all at once that something dark inside of him _took hold_ and was gripping him to the spot. His hand had wrapped around the hilt of his bokken on reflex, but his fingers felt lax instead of strong despite how tightly he was holding the familiar wood that should have brought him more comfort than it was.

When the sound came again, once more unexpected, Gintoki flinched, taking a step back, and started as he ran into someone. That made him jolt forward, but it was as he looked back at the person that someone else bumped into him and gave him a shove.

"Watch it!"

He was frozen again.

An arrow of pain shot through his chest and he couldn't even react as it spread through every part of him like tendrils of fire. He was hyperaware that they could see him, they could see all the filthy things he'd done, his sin was written all over his skin and clothes. He was tainted from head to toe, ruined long ago, and he didn't get a blank slate. Giving him the nickname Shiroyasha was a cruel joke as white was connotative of purity and cleanliness and Gintoki was nothing like that.

A cold sweat was on his brow, he reached for his bokken, but it was no longer there. He couldn't even look for where it had gone because when he tried to take a step, his body wouldn't move. His fingers were tingling at the tips, but instead of feeling coming back to them, they were going numb. He brought them up to look at them and saw only stains, smudges, and it was all at once hard to breathe. Frigid fingers had taken hold of his heart and the ice was spreading through his veins.

The same sound came again, so familiar, so haunting that he woke up some nights with it drumming through his head. He told himself to run, but he couldn't tell if his legs moved or if he was still frozen, all he could distantly feel was a pain on his knee. His world was skewed sideways or was it turned over? The edges of his vision were speckled with black, the tingling in his fingers spread up his arms, up, up, up, all the way to his head where it ate away at his eyesight. He squinted, he tried to make out what was in front of him or to the side, but all was becoming darker and darker shades of nothing.

His guilt was insurmountable.

_ Breathe, breathe, breathe, dammit breath!_

But there was no oxygen, nothing was filling his lungs, there was no way he was going to survive without it. Everything was vacuumed sealed and no matter how many times his chest moved up and down, there was no life pumping through him.

Though, hadn't he died a long time ago?

A far away pain seized what felt like might be his arms and he mentally recoiled, but even his will was fading. He couldn't hear anything except the reverberating noise, it clogged up his ears so it was all he heard again and again and again. He'd heard it so many times, so many _fucking_ times, it had hardwired itself into him. He wanted to scream to drown it out, it was the only thing that existed and it wasn't _fair_. It hurt so goddamn much, how could a sound feel like being repeatedly stabbed through the chest? It was a _sound_, a _noise_, it shouldn't have this kind of power over him.

Yes behind his eyes he was thrown into a place he didn't tread often, a dark place of memory where that sound was kept secretly tucked away. It was a place he didn't want to revisit, he didn't want to go there, but he was already trapped before he knew it.

It was over, he had no fight left in him.

-o-O-o-

Gintoki woke up with a terrible headache and no sense of where he was. He raised his hands to his head and didn't think anything of the damp cloth he pushed aside. He wanted to sit up, but his stomach was in such knots that he didn't trust himself to be anything but horizontal. Just to make sure his head really wasn't going to break open, he put a hand on it and rested it there. He felt a little too warm, but when things like this happened, that was pretty common. His disorientation was slowly wearing off and he could remember something about groceries, but really what he could remember most was that _sound_.

The sound of sharpened metal meeting and slicing through flesh and bone.

He must have walked by a butcher or something because he knew the sound of slaughter down to his marrow. It didn't always trigger him like that, sometimes he didn't feel anything at all since he could lock things away so quickly, but other times he wasn't quick enough and it destroyed him. He must have let his guard down too much, it really had been a nice day and he'd been lost in thought more than usual.

He massaged his temples and took the rest of his body into account, ticking off little things like, yes, he could wriggle his toes, he wasn't paralyzed. Part of him was actually disappointed he was still alive, but it was a muddled part that was always there and always changing in levels of enthusiasm for life. No one knew about that little delight he carried around, but he suspected sometimes that Otose had an idea something like that was there in him since she'd been the one to see him at one of his lowest points.

The next time he tried to open his eyes, he actually could even though it did make his head hurt more. He didn't care about the pain, what he did care about was where the hell he was because this definitely wasn't his room. He didn't know why he'd thought that was where he'd wake up there, like heroes in video games did, they'd just die and regenerate in the same point each time. He wasn't that kind of hero, though.

The wood on the ceiling was all wrong for his room, the swirls were in all the wrong places, and while the futon was comfortable, it definitely wasn't his own. He moved a leg up so it was bent and god, his whole body felt heavy and sluggish. Any normal person probably would have been freaking out already or possibly starting to get frantic, but Gintoki was so drained that he didn't feel much of anything at all. All his energy had been sapped and the amount of _feeling_ that had been poured out of him was more than he was used to letting up to the surface.

It wasn't until he smelled something familiar that actual dread pierced through the fog in his head. He smelled musk, cigarettes, and the strange electric atmosphere he had yet to put a name to that clung to only one specific person he knew.

He tilted his head up and found Hijikata doing paperwork at his desk, but he was paused and watching Gintoki right back. He looked like he wanted to say something or ask something, his lips were parted as if for speech, but Gintoki only felt a crushing weight crash land on top of him.

"This isn't how I imagined gettin' into your bed."

Hijikata flushed and glared, then Gintoki realized what a stupid thing to say that was. Or was it stupid? They were taking things slow and didn't ever _mention_ what was between them, letting Hijikata know he'd thought about getting into his bed was kind of definitely mentioning it in a big way. Then again, he'd probably already ruined everything, so what did it matter? He hadn't known what he'd been doing with Hijikata or what he'd been playing at, but he'd likely just fucked all that up. What had he been thinking? He should never had entertained the idea of dragging Hijikata into his fucked up mess of existence.

He really needed to leave.

His stomach was in knots again and his head was _pounding_ – _why _did he always have to fuck everything up? His meetings with Hijikata had really grown on him – impossibly, somehow, for no logical reason since he never should have allowed it to progress at all, he didn't understand how or when he got in so deep that fucking it up so bad actually made his chest physically ache. He was used to fucking up, that was something he'd mastered years and years prior, but not every mistake he mad bit quite as hard and bitterly as this one.

He got up slowly and ignored the pounding in his head, it was drowned out by the necessity to leave. Hijikata still wasn't saying anything, wasn't even moving, and Gintoki put on his boots in silence. He found his bokken right next to the futon and slipped it into his belt, the thing felt more useless than ever once it was secured there again. All kinds of things were swirling through him, self-reprimand, loathing, regret, and so much guilt he could have choked on it. He wouldn't be surprised if he ended up puking before the day was over – he really, really needed to fucking get out of there.

"Tomorrow," Hijikata blurted out.

It was enough to make Gintoki pause right at the door, hand already having pushed the door halfway open. "What?"

"I-it's Wednesday."

"Yeah, and?"

He knew what was coming and he didn't blame Hijikata at all. He stared outside and was honestly surprised and mortified he'd let himself think he deserved someone like Hijikata or that he could ever get anything to work. Happiness was a dangerous thing as it deluded him and tempted him, making the unattainable seem maybe within his grasp – reality made it a cruel joke.

"Tomorrow," Hijikata casually made a mark on the page he was working on like his whole face wasn't red and his voice wasn't wavering some, "I wanna t-try someplace new."

Suddenly, all the air had been sucked out the universe again.

It was anger that gripped this time.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

Gintoki gripped the door so hard a couple cuts on the ends of his fingers started to bleed again. "You can't really... stupid mayora! Don't know what you're sayin'! You can't seriously still –"

He couldn't say the rest of the words.

"What d'ya mean?" Hijikata lit up a cigarette, his fingers shook slightly. "I didn't see anythin' I couldn't handle."

In that moment, Gintoki wanted so much to hit him. He wanted to punch Hijikata in the face, yell at him, did he even know what the fuck he was saying? He couldn't actually mean... that he still wanted to try... no one could be that stupid.

"You're a fuckin' idiot, you know that?"

Hijikata shrugged and they refused to look at each other. They were so far away from knowing what to do with each other, but Hijikata was _trying_ and Gintoki didn't understand why the fuck he would do that. Didn't he see what a burden Gintoki was? How much trouble he caused? How worthless he was that he had fucking mental breakdowns in the middle of the day over _nothing_ but a goddamn _sound_?

"T-the place farther down the road," Hijikata said and it was scary to hear so much resolve in his voice. "The one with the green tarp."

Gintoki said nothing, he just left and slammed the door behind him. The only thing that kept him from falling to his ass with his back against the door was his need to _get away, get away _because he was a fucking coward. His head was killing him slowly, his heart was jammed up in his throat where it definitely didn't belong, and that sick feeling was toiling in his gut. Anger was second only to his need to run away and if anyone dared to get in his way, it'd be the last thing they'd ever do.

As for tomorrow, he'd be there.

He knew he'd be there, he was terrified to think that Hijikata knew he'd be there too, but he'd be there for sure. Not because he felt he owed Hijikata anything, but because he _wanted_ to be there, he _wanted _Hijikata. Some stupid, ridiculous part of him had wavered and he was hopeless.

He was a stupid man.

He was also on his way to the grocery store because the world suddenly had enough air for him again.

A smile might have even dared to let slip on his way.

That was the moment he knew he was really, honestly, truly fucked because of a man with a mayonnaise addiction and he hated himself for it, but he really was a hopeless man.

**The End**


End file.
